I have to admit that I am afraid to think about what would happen or how I'd cope when Chad and Kay leave. Chad especially. Tyler seemed to have really grown attached to him, just as much as I have gotten so reliant on him. He's been there - when I was in labor, when I delivered Tyler, when I'm up nursing him, when I'm too tired to rock him to sleep. He's been there all along and now suddenly I'm faced with the reality of not having him around. I don't know how to do this alone, if I could.

But I am alone, aren't I? I have been alone all along.

(I know I posted this on Daisies)

I could be wrong, but maybe this is why I want bad boys.

Of course, look what THAT has gotten me into :)

Cozy celebration at lunch today, my mom came over to cook up a storm. The house is decorated, the room is filled with frosty pink roses, pink peonies and pink votive candles, the table draped with pink tablecloth, and the cutleries and white napkins were tied together with cheery pink ribbons. There is a huge glass candy jar filled with delicate pink candies, and fresh strawberry cheesecake and frozen strawberry souffle. It's like Tyler's baby shower all over again, 'cept that everything is in pink. The colors blush and bashful, and everything looks lovely. We had a blast, but what I enjoyed most was the pigging out. :)


Notes: Emily took some shots of Tyler with Kenneth - hopefully she would send them to me

Guess what? It's my birthday! Whee. I turned twenty fecking nine years old today.

Boy, am I old.

It's raining, it's pouring outside. It's nice and cold, just the way I like it to be. I'm dying to curl up in bed with a good book and hot chocolate. Speaking of which, I think YOU should go easy on those damn Smarties now, darling.. careful that you don't choke on 'em. Good God, am I cursing again? *slap. slap.*

I feel flabby. I want to get back in shape (not that I really have much of a shape before), but yeah, I'd like to lose a couple of pounds. Heard about the apple juice diet and I'm itching to try it. But I don't think I could, not right now at least since I'm nursing Tyler.

Teddy made a cheeky remark that Chad, Tyler and I looked like a happy family and made his brother frown. LOL. Yes, it was Tyler's first night out (YAY!) indeed. Dinner was really nice.

Read it: Abortion harms women

I'm sleepy. Tyler cried a lot last night, and I didn't sleep a wink. Chad offered to drop Jules off, thankfully. I get to go see Hal, my attorney, and run some errands, including a cathartic supermarket trip while Kay watches him.

My eyelids - they kinda stick together now. Hmm. I'm SO dying for some kueh lapis. Weird.

We are having dinner with Rob, Teddy and their parents tonight, before Teddy leaves for an early flight back to HKG tomorrow.

So I am told today that these boobs weigh like 3 kilos EACH. Now, what happens if Pam Anderson start nursing her kids?

Jules leaves in the next couple of hours. I wanna cry.

Sorry, um.. 'Barbie'. I know this will probably make me sound totally uncool, but I actually found very little use for Friendster - aside from stalking ex-prats. Hmm.

He's pink and perfect, and he smiles ever so frequently. His cries like music to my ears, as I nurse him, swaddle him. When I hold him in my arms, and rock him to sleep. I love what I have, I really do.

I'm getting to grips with what you said
No it's not in my head

Why don't we talk about it?
Why do you always doubt that there can be a better way?

You say we're fatally flawed
Well I'm easily bored, is that ok?
Write me off your list
Make this the last kiss, I'll walk away
Why don't we talk about it?
I'm only here don't shout it
Given time we'll forget
Let's pretend we never met

Screw you, I didn't like your taste
Anyway, I chose you and that's all gone to waste
It's Saturday, I'll go out
And find another you

- Robbie Williams, 'Sexed Up'

By the way, I want to share this letter that I pulled off Emily Peterson's After Abortion weblog. This is an email sent to Emily on January 22, the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.

"Emily,

Women are not the only ones whose lives are filled with abortion regret. Nearly 10 years ago, when I was 23, my girlfriend at the time got pregnant. She was a girl I had an on and off relationship with since I was 16. When she got pregnant, she wanted to have the baby, but never said it. I could tell that all she wanted me to do was be happy about it and for us to have the baby and we would make it somehow. Instead, I stood there and said nothing. When she called me the night before the abortion, I just knew she wanted me to say "Don't do it." What did I do? I accused her of sleeping around, that it wasn't mine, you name it. She had the abortion, and to this day, I hurt over it like I could never explain. 2 months ago, I had my first baby, a beautiful little girl Emily. Since she was born, the regret for what I did 10 years ago has boiled back to the surface like you will not believe. I cannot tell this to Emily's mother. In fact, I can't tell anyone else that is why I am writing this. I have cried a lot in the last month. If nothing else, I hope the men who read this, if faced with a similar situation, will be the man that I should have been. And, I wanted you to know that it is not just women who suffer from regret. I have an understanding of the women I saw today in D.C., the ones with the signs that said "I regret my abortion," that I wish I never had."


Notes: Tyler is truly YOURS - in case you ever doubt it. Just don't taint or bastardise his existence by denying him.


Related article: Women who regret their abortions rally at March for Life

(I'm going to feed Tyler soon, so I'll make this quick)

I want anyone who reads this to know how I feel about abortion, how I believe in the right to live. I'll say it a million times over if I have to.

Sometimes we grow old and forget that we were once children. I want to say this because we probably wouldn't be here if our parents were to let some stupid, lame excuses like, 'Oh, I don't think I could do this... because my dad can't talk to me and my brother' cloud their decision. Life is what we make them out to be. Our expectation changes, as we get older. We learn about responsibilities. We learn to prioritize, as we embrace these responsibilities. And then we look back and realize that some things are just not as important as they used to be.

Being a parent has opened up my eyes. It has opened up all these doors I never knew existed. I learnt to appreciate life, and most importantly, I learnt how to appreciate my mother.


Notes: Today is Tyler's wiccaning, which really is, the wiccan version of a baptism. We had a really simple ceremony and guests were treated to a lovely, four-course reception afterwards. Everything went well. I love what I have.

I can't stop running. I don't know if I'm running because I'm scared, or if I'm scared because I'm running. I pray that if I stopped for a minute and lie here quietly, it will pass. If I get up in a little while and go to dinner, these feelings will go away. I need immediate relief. I need to bungee jump, go skydiving or drag racing or eat tubs of rum and raisins ice cream. I need this horrible big muddy to go away right now.

Rob, his parents and brother Teddy came by to the house for dinner earlier today. They meet Tyler for the first time, and were completely fascinated with him. They each took turns to carry him, and he didn't even budge or cry. I'd like to think that he was actually enjoying the attention, that cheeky bugger. Dinner was nice, in spite of everything else. Chad made us huge rosemary and lemon-roasted chicken, mash potatoes and other yummy accompaniments. It was lovely.

There's nothing I hate more
than nothing
Nothing keeps me up at night
I toss and turn over nothing
Nothing could cause a great
big fight

- Edie Bricknell, 'Nothing'

I admit that I am depressed, well, I was (I don't know why), then I saw these banners Trisha Ratna sent me - they perk me up. Thanks, darling.. they are just fabulous :)

Rob and his parents arrives this afternoon - I am really stressed about seeing him again.

I fixed up the tag board!
YES!
Scroll down the links on the left navigation and leave me affections :)

Lovely day. Tyler's with the girls and Smelly is guarding him, which means I get to fix this and write for a wee bit. I'm still struggling with my book (I have been too preoccupied for the last nine months as you can see), hopefully I can finish it and get it published by as early as the end of this year. If I don't have too many 'writer's block', that is. Emily have had the privilege of a sneak peek, and have given it a really.. um.. 'out-of-the-box' title. :) Hmm. I need a multi-million dollar book deal. (Shouts: If you're a publisher and you're reading this - please, I need a fancy book deal)


Notes: I've decided to push Tyler's wiccaning to this Sunday since the scooby gang will be leaving soon. It will be a no-frill, small-ish, intimate affair since I'm a solitary practitioner (which really means that I will not be formally inviting any of you, but you're most welcome to our home).

I want to partake in the March of Life in D.C. next year - any sponsors? :) I'll carry a flag and make us all proud.

We just caught the auditions for American Idol 3. It was bloody hilarious. Tyler was asleep, thankfully, so I had the chance to really vegetate in front of the TV for a change. My mom came by today, made us dinner and some lovely dessert (although I am dying for some good ole Thai food).

Seamus, I need to talk to you - badly.

Strangers, people I barely knew have told me this : You are a strong woman. Because of what I went through, what I did. Because I chose to have Tyler - against all odds. I am glad I did what I did. Unfortunately, not all of us are that lucky. Some of us are forced to terminate our pregnancies, because of medical reasons, some are victims of choice, while some of us are victims of circumstances. I want to say this because abortion hurts women. And which is why it is, in our moral obligation, to help educate (irresponsible bastards) on the aftermath and trauma of abortion.

Here's one woman's story, one woman who's Silent No More


You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free

- John 8:32

Stretch marks. They're like love handles, 'cept that they are uglier. How can one get rid of 'em, I wonder? A perinatal massage? One mommy from the board said that stretch marks will, unfortunately always be there no matter what you do. Is that right? I saw how plastic surgeons get rid of 'em in an episode of Extreme Makeover a couple of weeks ago (of course, this mommy can't bloody afford plastic surgery at this point). Such vanities. What is it with women and looking good anyway?

Tyler's grinning. I think he agrees with his mommy. He look so good in that ivory knitted sweater, (yes, yes - I know it's bloody hot outside, but we're in an air-conditioned room) I wish you could see him now.

Kate (Rob's mom) called me this morning.

Kate: How it is going, darling?
Me: Fantabulous. I delivered last Tuesday!
Kate: Wot?!
Rob (in the bg): Wot did she say? Wot did she say?
Kate (to Rob): She delivered...
Rob (in the bg): Tell her we're taking the next flight out
Kate: Alexa.. you heard that?
Me: Uh.. yes..
Me: Of course, dear

I'm skrewed, aren't I? Now he's gonna play santa to Tyler. Somehow I just know that.

All these years and he never married. He's kind, intelligent, good looking and responsible. Not to mention, financially sound (they own restaurants in LA). My friend Val used to think he looked like Hugh Grant (nah, he's more Damon Albarn). I don't know why I changed my mind. It's ironic how sometimes the things we're fighting off is ourselves. Maybe I'm like one of those people who's attracted to bad boys or alcoholics. At times I even relished the idea of being their personal Jesus. I mean, who else but a voyeur of misery would have put up with prats? I am such an idiot.

*sigh* You can run, but you can't hide. Do we really have to go through this again?

Sister Bernadette came by today with a bundle of blessings. She's a Catholic nun with the hospital, (besides Dr John and Jenny) who has been really supportive. She was the one who counseled me, especially when things were rough in the beginning.

It's been a week. Tyler is doing well. He gets cranky sometimes, he cries and he wants to be carried. He likes it when I swaddle him, rock him in my arms.

I spoke with Dawn on the phone just now, she said that Tyler is cute. He's a doll, isn't he? He owes it all to his mommy's good looks. Ahem. (Of course, Daddy once claimed that he's.. "quite a catch") Now, THAT is one thing I'm still trying to figure out. Hmm.

I'm dying to go out for a nice dinner. ARGH. Truth is, I'm sick of Chad's cooking :)

Interesting theory. Ack, is that for real?

I particularly like that last part, "Some men probably see a biological son as their immortality... It's a little 'me.' "

How cute.

(I'll make damn sure that I teach him SO well he won't grow up to be an irresponsible, bloody drunk)

Hmm. Maybe I can do an in-depth coverage, a tell-all when I become Editor of 'that renowned women's magazine' :) (Emily thinks that I should talk to Geoff about it, ach)

He sleeps a lot. Smelly has unofficially declared himself 'the protector' of the Sleepy One. He sits by Tyler's door and by his cot, eyeing everyone who approaches the nursery suspiciously. Jules and Kay are my 'confinement ladies'. They rocked, but they sucked at cooking, so we leave most of the cooking to Chad (did I mentioned that I asked him to be Tyler's godfather and he said yes?). I'm so glad they are gonna be around for a little while longer.

My boobs are huge. I'm Pam Anderson with cellulite and a couple of pounds (ack! actually, it's more like J.Lo with boobs). Which is cool, now I don't need a boob job after all. Now if only they don't hurt half as much. I'm still learning how to nurse him. I don't know how long I'm supposed to breastfeed him. My mom said that I should try to do that for as long as I can. It felt good, I feel like I'm bonding with him. I'm glad I'm able to do that.

His cheeks are rosy. He wraps his tiny hands around my finger. Tiny feet in the air, his skin feels like rose-petals. For a moment I know that everything is gonna be alright.

I'm a mother, I really am. It's been five days and I'm still getting used to the idea. Who is this little person who has invaded my home, my life? This tiny little person who's wrapped snugly against my belly, whose cries keep me awake at night? Is he really here? I'm feeling a host of emotions suddenly.

Sleep has become a luxury. I used to whine about not being able to sleep, now I just long for a good night sleep. I'm tired. But I'm enjoying this. I fell asleep on the floor by his cot, and I don't care. I like watching him, as he sleeps. He looked like an angel.

We were watching the tube late Monday evening when my water broke. I panicked. I wasn't exactly contracting, though I could feel some mild cramping. Jules called the hospital, while Chad tried to calm me down, to no avail. I was scared. The midwife on duty asked that I be brought in immediately. It was on the way to the hospital that the cramping gradually got stronger. I started contracting in the cab, each lasted about thirty to forty seconds, five to eight minutes apart.

On arrival at the hospital, I was put on the monitor and given an internal exam. I was two centimeters dilated. So I was admitted.

Three hours on and I was huffing and puffing. The contractions have gotten stronger and stronger by then. I feel like I couldn't breathe. I was four centimeters, and the contractions are like two to three minutes apart. Chad stayed in the delivery room with me and tried to help me focus on the breathing that I learned in the antenatal classes, but it wasn't working. I was in so much pain I thought I was gonna die. I asked for an epidural (I had requested that I be put on the continuous epidural, administered by the anesthesiologist of my choice, Dr Loh, who had put me to sleep in my surgeries before).

Labor was no picnic. I was just crying through it all. It wasn't until fifteen and a half hours later that I finally delivered Tyler. I heard his first cry, and I cry even more. But I knew everything is okay. Dr Lee, the pediatrician, was there to make sure that Tyler is alright. He checked his heart rate, circulation and did a series of screening tests to assess his responsiveness and vital signs. Dr John let Chad cut the cord. I was grateful, though I must admit that it was weird having your male friend who's like completely platonic, see this side of you. It's like me in the flesh, and this is truly an intimate experience, one that I thought I'd share with the father of my child (and not just anybody else). But I was in a lot of pain that I didn't care. And he was holding Tyler soon after, grinning from ear to ear that I was glad he was there.

Tyler Rayne was born at 1635 hours, late Tuesday afternoon, January 13. The sun was still shining, the sky was bright blue, dusted with fairy-tale clouds. He weighed two point nine-five (2.95) kilograms and is fifty (50) centimeters long. I've uploaded his picture, so check out the links on the left. Isn't he lovely?

The nurse taught me how to breastfeed him. It was, an experience indeed. I was in labor for a total of eighteen and a half hours. It was difficult, but then I look at him and I know he's totally, totally worth it. That in its own, is simply, priceless.

So you were right after all. We made the most gorgis child ever.


Notes: Those 'other' shots of us with my obs/gyn, and the scooby gang will unfortunately, not be uploaded and published coz I look like hell. :) But I will be adding more pictures (hopefully) as we go along, and daily updates. I've added a hyperlink on Daisies too, so the people who read Daisies can read this as well. The management of Birth Story would like to thank all individuals who have been extremely supportive and tolerant throughout my nine months. Special thanks to the scooby gang, esp Mr Weber for staying with me, letting me bite his hand until Tyler's safely delivered. Much love to all.

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

- Sylvia Plath, 'Mad Girl's Love Song'

Transcript of that ONE phone conversation I had with the father on May 23, five weeks and four days after conception.


May 23, 2003

Jay called today, we spoke for almost an hour. But why don't I feel any better? Talking to him seems to upset me even more. He said it's "up to me", that whatever my decision is, he will support me. Be there for me. Why do I feel more alone than ever? And why do I feel like that's not gonna happen?

'What do you want to do? Do you want to have my child? Do you mind having this Horne thing?' All these questions.. Geez, this is his child too for crying out loud! 'I can't raise a child right now and so do you. I'm afraid that I may not be able to talk to my child... my father can't seem to be able to talk to my brother and me..' WTF?? 'If you decide not to have this child, I will support you, be there with you, hold your hand and all that. And if you want to have this child, I'll support you.. we'll work something out.' Like wot? (and here's the best part) 'But I can't guarantee that I will be there when the child is born, I might be in the US or Oz.' GEE. 'Does that mean that the child won't know you?' I asked. 'No, it's not that.' Then wot, Jay? Jesus, I don't want my child growing up not knowing his father. I want my child to see his father when he wakes up in the morning and before he goes to sleep at night.

I asked him what he really wants. 'I want to make lots of money and give the child the perfect life.. but I don't think that is possible right now. You know how I've been for the past couple of weeks.' JESUS, you're not even gonna try, huh? 'You know, we'll be bringing the most intelligent and most beautiful child (coz we're both gorgis and intelligent people. ahem.) into this world.' Maybe. 'No, absolutely.' (see what I mean?) Then why in the world can't you have this child with me, Jay? Why?

'This is not my first time anyway. I told Greg and he gave me shytes.' Why would he do that if this is not your first time? 'If it makes you feel any better, I have three kids in America.' FFS. Like I'm supposed to be.. bloody proud of him.

He thought that we should meet, maybe get something to eat. I just feel so lost, so afraid though I won't admit it but yes, I need him. Badly. But he feels that 'this is not a good time' because obviously he has something more important to do, like "beating the crap out of some guy".


Maybe I shouldn't have told him in the first place. By doing so, I gave him the chance to disappoint me.

Tyler kicked, as if to comfort me. But I feel more alone than ever. Somehow.

I wait and ache.
There is a great deal else to do.
It is only time that weighs upon our hands.
It is only time, and that is not material.

- Sylvia Plath

I can't sleep, which is dreadful indeed because I'm tired. I had another contraction an hour ago. And I feel like crying, I don't know why.

Week thirty-eight and five days. Guess what I did today? I hosted a roundtable discussion - YEAH! It was pretty uncomfortable sitting for four whole hours.. but I agreed to help Ivan chair the swanky breakfast roundtable because 1) I couldn't turn him down 2) my editor feels that I could do it, with my 'unparalleled' (haha!) .. well, abilities (so to speak), and my background 3) for the money - yes, I need the money for my unborn son. I felt conscious of my tummy even though they are small, but Isabelle didn't know and I don't think it's a good idea to flaunt my pregnancy. So concealing my pregnancy was a challenge indeed, in this horribly warm weather. But it went really well, and Ivan was pleased by the turn out. Kay came to pick me up - the woman insisted that I shouldn't be out on my own now (naggy aren't you, darling?) and we had lunch by the river.

Chad fixed the smoke detector in the nursery today. The blinds were up too, by the time we got home. I think I should be spending less time outside. My feet hurt. My Mac is cranky (which means I'm cranky too). I need to make a trip to AppleCare and I don't know if I'm up to it.

My back is killing me. These on and off contractions are very painful. I don't know if I will survive labor.

Tyler is shoving again. I think he's telling me he wants to get out.

Week thirty-eight and three days. Another busy day. It seemed so unfair that I still have to run errands in my condition. Today I meet with the pediatrician, went to see my attorney with regards to the birth registration issue (which is a bitch indeed) and made a trip to the pet shop. I took a bus home today (someone once said to me, 'Why, you're too good for public transport?') so there.. I took a bus. I'm over nine months pregnant and I took the damn bus. I was so woozy and nauseous by the time I got home. Chad insisted that we stay home for the evening and made us dinner. My tummy is small. WHY IS MY TUMMY SMALL?

If there is one thing I'm obsessed about, it's shoes. I cannot resist those fancy-looking, pointy stilettos. Never mind that they hurt like hell. I'm vain, I know that. Unfortunately for me, pregnancy allows very little chance for one to be vain. My feet has gotten so swollen it's impossible to wear anything but comfy leather flats. Jules and I stopped by my favorite shoe shop this evening. The woman went mad, while I can only sit and sulk. There is just no way I could get my feet into those with feet as big as Elephant Man. She appeased me with a double dessert later, which is, as good as it gets - for now at least.

There is a little Imelda in all of us. Someway, somehow. A woman could never have enough shoes. Besides, shoe shopping can be really cathartic.

Today I heard Tyler's heartbeat, which is like, totally, totally amazing. Yes, I was back at the hospital this morning. Dr John did an ultrasound, and everything looks good. The circumference of his head and abdomen are about the same size now. The fluid in the amniotic sac has increased from one drop to one liter since, while the placenta has grown to about seven inches in diameter, weighing about one to two pounds. Tyler weighs about six to six and a half pounds, and measures eighteen and a half inches from crown to rump. I am told that the lanugo is mostly gone by now, or present on the upper back and shoulders. His intestines are accumulating lots of meconium (that's the first bowel movement). He's truly full termed, and should be coming anytime now. I selected a pediatrician on Dr John's recommendations today, Jenny said that she'd help me with the appointments when the time comes.

Two weeks and six days. I think I made my decision. I'm gonna have a natural birth.

Today is my thirty-eighth week. It is also somebody's birthday, and Tyler's baby shower. Chad flew in last evening, Kay was here (finally), and Jules, and everybody else. We had a gorgis, blue Panini hors d'oeuvre buffet, with hearty Tuscan-style offerings of over a dozen selection of antipasti, cold cuts and cheeses, tramezzini and accompaniments to choose from, including my favorite lobster-and-fennel bruschetta. We decorated the house with fresh variegated blue and white hydrangeas and floating gardenias in soup and rice bowls. We use blue accents on white - in the linens and place cards - to emphasize the theme and compliment the tableware, while blue and white vanilla-scented candles wreathed in rosemary set the moods. Thank the gods I feel better this morning - now you can see why I fell ill, apart from the stress of late pregnancy. Tyler got more presents, while I got a spa voucher and subscriptions for both Martha Stewart Living and Weddings, compliments of Mr Weber (whee!). Amidst the excitement, however, I had to spoil the fun with my painful contractions (which thankfully did not last too long).

I'm alright. He's not here, but I'm doing alright.

I don't feel so good today. I'm running a temperature, and I think I might be having a fever. Tyler was kicking and shoving - I don't know what on earth he's doing inside. Three weeks and one day to go. Feels tired. I didn't sleep a wink last night, it's getting harder to sleep now. My back hurts.

An episode in the wee hours today that really freaked me out. I woke up with a horrible cramp, I feel like I am contracting. I was, dammit. Woke Jules up. She panicked as much as I did, 'Feck, what do we do? What do we do now?' Like I know. Hell, it's way too early to get Dr John. 'Get dress, babe, we're going to the hospital.' I was like, WOT?! 'No, no, no... we should call the hospital..' I was pretty sure it wasn't time. So Jules called the hospital and spoke to the midwife. False alarm. I had Braxton Hicks contractions. When I finally got Dr John, he explained that it's gonna get more frequent and much more intense.

I packed my bag today, just in case.

I thought long and hard before I started this journal. I wanted it to be special. I wanted to write about how I feel, what I'm feeling. The everyday quirkiness. I want to remember everything. The colors, the sights, the sounds... how it feels like to have life growing inside of you, I want to remember it all. I wanted a baby book that tells a story. One that everyone could read, and feel exactly what I'm feeling. I want to write about his baby shower right down to his wiccaning, first birthday, first day at school... graduation. I want the person who reads this baby book to actually feel him grow up. One slowdance, that's what this is like. I never knew how amazing this could be.

I get emotional. Some days I feel like crying all the time, and I hate that. I hate feeling so helpless. Then I feel him kick me, and all the world drops dead. I never regretted this, not one bit.

Whoa... wot was that? That sure feels like a jolt. Did he just jump?

The nursery is finally ready. Whee. I've added a link as to how it looks like, by the way. This concept is actually taken from a children's catalog Chad sent me. I like it very much, so I decided to recreate the look, with the help of some people (thank you so much, all). We repainted the walls ivory and custom-made the furniture (I got the furniture designer who did Ivan's place to duplicate them), right down to the linens. Jules painted the finishing touches, and I think they look great. I want to keep it simple - I think subtlety rules - yet it has to have a certain feel to it.

I picked a going-home outfit for Tyler, and did a checklist of the nursing essentials today. There's just so much to do.

Emily and I had dinner at Jerry's today. It was nice to be out after being cooped up all day in bed. Lovely weather.. we sat outside in the wind. The moon is waxing, and I could see like millions of little lights as I looked up into the night sky. I actually finished my food today - for the first time - YEAH!

I'm tired. I feel so, so tired. I don't know why. Three weeks and four days to go..

I'm spotting! I woke up this morning and discovered that I am spotting. I haven't really been spotting since my massive I-thought-I'm-going-to-die bleeding way back in June. Some dumbass made it sound like I was faking it, to threaten a certain individual back then. It was tragic. The pipistrelle even had the audicity to call me a psycho (nice touch, by the way.. but COME ON, I'm sure you can do better than that). To that freak (and company): Listen up, dickhead. I'm the one with the evidence here, in case you haven't notice.

As I was saying, I got scared and called Jenny. She told me not to worry - these are the signs that the time is near. I was like, WOT?! But, but.. he can't come out now.. I'm not ready. The nursery is not ready. And I.. I haven't packed my bags! 'I think you should take it easy for a bit and try not to walk so much.' So I slept all day today. Tyler kicked, and Mom was yelling for Jules to get Smelly off the cot. I don't think she gets to paint in peace after all. My feet hurt.