Tyler's extremely cranky today, he cried a lot. For a moment I was worried that it might be colic or something. Thankfully the crying subsided by dinner time. Mom said that it's probably just the weather. Gosh, I am SO tired and so dying to curl up in bed with a hot cup of tea. Maybe just close my eyes for a while.

On RU486 - This is what she saw :(

Very interesting, I had to pick this up from Emily Peterson's - posted by Connecticut State Leader for Operation Outcry, Annie Banno.

According to the Encyclopedia of Associations, the National Abortion Rights Action League (NARAL) had a total membership of 156,000, while the National Right to Life Committee (NRL) had 12 million. 78% of NARAL's membership was female, while 63% of NRL's was. 32% of NARAL's women members admitted to having an abortion, while only 3% of NRL's did. So 32% of 78% of 156,000 gives 39,000 such members, while 3% of 63% of 12 million yields 245,000 women who have had abortions. In other words, of those women who have had abortions who then proceed to become active on the abortion issue, six times as many joined the opposition.

You know what? Babies are a lot like celebrities, they're asleep all day and up all night, and they're the centre of attention wherever they go. And like the biggest stars, they get cranky when things don't go their way. He cries. He cries to tell me that he's unhappy, when something hurts, when he's hungry. He'll let me know he's finished by pushing out the nipple out of his mouth, when he arched his back, or turn his head. Sometimes I feel him fall asleep against my chest, and I'd stroke his scalp or rub his tiny feet. Ah, the joys of it all. Now I finally understand what they say, what it's like. I cannot imagine what it must be like not to be able to nurse and bond with my child.

I think I should issue a statement following that episode with Joe today, and that brief tete-a-tete with Boobs Man:

I know that was a pale attempt at irony - that thing I did/said to Joe. I'm sure I am not as bitchy as I sound, contrary to popular belief. I think my reputation precedes me, but it's not necessarily such a bad thing, in my opinion. The fact that I can indeed be a lamb to some people is just unimaginable, I know. But that has to be because I adore them. Also, to reiterate what I said to Boobs Man earlier - I have no criminal record of sorts, nor any known obsessive behavior, 'cept stalking deserving ex-prats, what I consider poetic justice and should in no way, imply that I am a psycho. Of course, technologies and networks like Friendster only made that all too easy for the stalker-at-hearts, but I would like to assure my ex-prats that there is no cause for alarm because I am not a member at this point and have no intention to be, not anytime in the near future at least.

A proud stand for gay civil rights. Hmph. Rosie weds.

My thoughts on gay weddings in Daisies.

From the Boston Globe yesterday: For abortion foes, a South Dakota strategy

House Passes Unborn Victims Legislation. YEAH!

"Passage of the Unborn Victims of Violence Act was actively backed by the White House and President Bush's conservative supporters. Following enactment of the law banning "partial birth" abortions last year, the bill is this year's prime measure dealing with the unborn.

"We must continue to build a culture of life in this country, a compassionate society in which every child is born into a loving family and protected by law," Bush said after it passed 254-163.

Approval came after the House rejected a Democratic-led alternative that would have increased penalties for attacks on pregnant women in which the fetus is injured or killed without conferring new rights on fetuses.

Backers further highlighted the bill by naming it in honor of Laci and Conner Peterson, the pregnant woman who was murdered in December, 2002, and her unborn child."

Guess it's never too early to start imparting the fundamentals of Financial Saavy 101 to the little man.

Fancy a massage snuggie?

This is just in:

"The Unborn Victims of Violence Act, expected to pass the House Thursday, has the strong endorsement of the White House and was near the top of the election-year wish list for President Bush's conservative base.

Backers said the measure was needed to bring federal law in line with 29 states where those who attack pregnant women can be charged with two crimes when the fetus is harmed, including murder when it dies.

One of those states is California, where Scott Peterson is on trial for the murder of his wife Laci and her unborn boy Conner. The bill has also been designated Laci and Conner's Law.

The Democratic-led opposition, however, says the real aim of the legislation is to undermine abortion rights by giving the unborn the same legal rights as the born. They charge that abortion politics was taking precedence over the need to protect abused women.

Rep. Louise Slaughter, D-N.Y., said it would affect a woman's reproductive rights. It "is not about women and it is not about children. It's about politics.""

'Giselle' and 'Giselle' wannabes should read this. Oh, you too, "Samson".

So Jules and I spoke for a bit tonight. Oddly enough, the conversation somehow drifted off course - to Mr Weber. The little wench wants to know why the man and I never hit it off, you know, in that sense. That was a tricky one if you ask me, but I guess some of the people we met are just destined to be, well, friends. I never meant to 'pick him up' in that bar a couple of years ago, but we hit off, became friends and soon it was me, him and Jack (um.. Daniels). Of course, I found out then that he actually worked with Emily - which was just too weird. We never had that kinda chemistry, partly the reason why I never entertained any romantic notions. He was Mr Nice Guy, the kind you wanna bring home to see Mom and Dad, and that was just totally way off me. But I'm glad we had what we had. Because he'd probably still wouldn't be here today, not for me, not for Tyler. Who would've thought? That that guy who sat from across me at the bar would someday be the one who'd helped deliver my son and be a father figure and so much more to him. Funny how the universe works sometimes.

Tyler now has a dreamcatcher hanging over his cot, thanks to Her fabulousness, the divine Ms Herrera. The almost authentic piece (supposedly woven by this brilliant woman of Native American descend - according to her note) had hoops that were made out of willow and covered with sage, its web made out of what looks like artificial sinew, and decorated with pretty beads and white feathers.

So sleep well, sweet Tyler. May the bad dreams get tangled in the web and perish with the light of the morning sun.

Oh dear. Court Cancels Roe vs Wade Consideration

"Oral arguments on a motion to reconsider the U.S. Supreme Court decision that legalized abortion 31 years ago have been canceled by a federal appeals court, which will now only review written pleadings in the case."

My back is killing me so, it's hard just to sit and read the news. Lovely morning. It would be nice to lie in the sun for a bit and not do anything else at all. Just lie there and breathe in the warm air, feel the zephyr against my skin and fall asleep for an hour or so. No nagging Chad, no crying Tyler and no.. um.. smelly Smelly.

An article on the attempt to prohibit abortion in South Dakota.

Guess who watched The Bachelor re-runs last night? Well, I never thought Aaron was cute, though he probably look better than Alex. Of course that Firestone boy Andrew was the best looking of the lot.

The emergence of reality programmes have certainly made me question if love have become a commodity. I mean love was a sacred thing, at least that was what I was brought up to believe. I wonder at what point did love become so trivial. I wonder when loneliness and despair became almost laughable. When we learnt to dismiss the pathetic who went back again and again to have their hearts trampled on. I wonder when they became 'pathetic'.

I think anyone looking at Gwen on that tell-all show could only imagine what must be going on inside her. Makes me wonder why starvation or racism are so much more weighty issues, so much more less pathetic than the emotional heartburn caused by the one you love trampling all over your feelings, your heart. Why is this not deemed just as bad as an earthquake? Sure, it affects just you and not ten thousand people, but you can bet you life that there is more than one person in the world at any given moment, feeling like their world has ended because they have been unbearably hurt by the one they love. As Leonard Cohen once wrote, 'Love is not a victory march / It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah'. We are told to spend our whole lives looking for 'real love' and then when we find it and lose it again, we are supposed to underplay it, pull ourselves together and get on with life. When did love become a joke? When did we?

If Joe were to read this, he's probably laugh his ass off. The goddess have no romantic idealogy, nor is she romantic like you lot, so sue me.

Chad, the boy and I are going out to dinner tonight. Yay! We'll be dining at one of our favorite haunts near Daddy's place. Maha.

I am inspired to post this following the 'morning-after pill' thread in the forum. Someone mentioned RU486 - mainly known as an abortifacient and is effective for the first 49 days after conception. Know, however, that the success rate of the drug is only about 60-65% and it is use to induce an abortion, unlike a surgical abortion. RU486 remains in the body for a prolonged period of time, long enough to cause some serious after effects to the body. Click here for articles and clippings on death following the use of the drug.

The Sunday Times' picture of Suzanne Walker's flabby abs have certainly put me off lunch. Go flip through today's print edition if you intend to skip the rest of your meals today.

Chad called to say that he'd be back in town tomorrow. Whee! That is some awesome news indeed. The last couple of days have been fun, even though it was just the three of us. Tyler's been a doll, and I have been able to get some chores done, do a bit of reading and stuff. He's playing with his hands and feet, kicking them as we speak, with Smelly close to him. I know how some people feel about babies and pets, but I personally don't give a feck about that whole babies-pets-allergy bullshit. Tyler's doing great, although most of his actions are still reflexive at this point. Dr Lee had told me that babies developed differently. I read that child development research suggests that babies who are sung to early in their lives rapidly developed a feeling for and a facility with language. That they tend to speak and read slightly earlier than others. Hmm. I wonder if it'd work just as well if I rap instead.

More on the Norma McCorvey case:
Court to Hear Case to Reopen Roe vs Wade
Federal Court to Hear Arguments from 'Roe'

So I dug the archives and found this 1998 article on Norma McCorvey, plus Crossing Over Ministry, the former Roe No More Ministry and excerpts from a compelling chapter of her book.

So maybe rejection is not always such a bad thing after all.

I love my gay um.. "sistas" but maybe I'm still too bloody conservative when it comes to this. You go, Arnie.

Still on the topic of abortions: An interesting discussion here. Check out the comments, including a well-written post by Annie Banno, Connecticut State Leader for Operation Outcry - She rocks!

Well, in case you haven't seen this: Abortion Claim Hits President.

Sometimes we trust people whom we think is acting on our best interest. Of course they are not always right, which is sad, really. I don't think I shall get into that today, because I'm still cranky and I sure don't feel like talking about something I read in a certain international daily which, well, cranked me up. They're only doing their job, of course, like the rest of us. Even if it means distorting the truth in an attempt to make the unthinkable okay. One can only wonder. Well, journalists are people too, even if what they have to write sometimes sucks (or how they failed to see that fetuses ARE people too).


Notes: My logic board died on me just after my warranty expires, which is just bloody great indeed. Well, if this is what I think it means, then I'll probably won't have to pay a bomb on repair or replacement after all. Meanwhile, I'll be working from a PC (urgh!) for the next couple of days and will not be YIM-able until then.

Something I read last night made me think: When a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost? Or are we forever haunted by spirits of the past?

I don't know. Sometimes we do, and maybe sometimes we don't. And if we don't, doesn't mean that we're weak, or completely psycho-ed. Sure, I could give you a full analysis on prats, anything to do with bad boys - I have devoted my life 'studying' them, making a guinea pig out of me. But I'm no expert at relationships as you can see. Still, I feel inspired to write about this after what I read. What is it about fate that we don't like? Are we responsible for the course our lives take? Do we shape our destiny? Or it is all predestined? If it is, how it is possible that we still take the wrong step and wander off our own personal milky way? If every man we meet, every kiss, every heartache is pre-ordered from some cosmic catalog?

He was there and so was I. It happened, we can't erase it. No matter what happens, at some point in his life he'll remember a conversation or a time when I was there. We shared a life, while trying to share nothing at all. Funny that.

If I ever bumped into Aphrodite or Cupid for that matter, I'll stick the bloody bow and arrow up his arse.

Too late came I to love you, O your Beauty both so ancient and so fresh. Yet too late came I to love you. And behold, you were within me, and I out of myself, where I made a search for you.

- Saint Augustine, 'Confessions'


You humble me, Lord. You made me see who I really was, you made me wake up every morning and count my blessings. You humble me.

Today I read about a girl who was confined to and lock down in a psychiatric clinic after she broke down after an abortion she was coerced into. But even in that mental state, she is determined to fight and take task those who pressured her into the abortion. It saddened me, deeply. Made look at my little one and feel so, so glad.

His world begins and ends with mommy. A mommy is comfort, pleasure and nourishment, and he identifies her through her appearance, voice and smell. He doesn't have a sense of himself as a separate person at this point, but associates everything with mommy. My beautiful little boy. Rapt with my facial expressions, comforted by the sound of my voice, when I talk or sing to him. Never mind that I can't carry a tune in a bucket - he enjoyed them all the same. He's beginning to discover his own body, his hands especially, which seems to really fascinate him as he moves them about. It is enthralling indeed. Just watching him.

I shall meditate upon my little son. He who sleeps so peacefully, in this room painted with silver stars. He is so perfect, so angelic. And he knows not how cruel the world can be. But I shall pray. I shall pray for my little son, for the lives of the unborn children. For humanity. As I sit here in the lamplight, and the city waits and aches.

I just read this: The US Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals will hear Norma McCorvey's (the former Roe) motion to overturn the Roe vs Wade Supreme Court's abortion decision.

It makes me sad just thinking about it. Maybe I don't care half as much before, but now that I have Tyler... I thought about my brush with destiny and how one weak, stupid decision could change a person's life. I thank God everyday that I don't have to live in regrets, like these women.

To quote Emily Peterson, "We need to pray for this to prevail, whenever or wherever. Even if you don't pray or believe in prayer. I asked business colleagues and friends to do the same after 9/11 and no one blinked then. About 2,800 people died that day. We have more than "another 9/11" every single day in this country, as 3,600 women and girls undergo an abortion procedure every day."


For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved

- Romans 10:13

I lost my way, I forgot to call on your name.
The raw heart beat against the world, and the tears were for my lost victory.
But you are here. You have always been here.
The world is all forgetting, and the heart is a rage of directions, but your name unifies the heart, and the world is lifted into its place.
Blessed is the one who waits in the traveller's heart for his turning.

- Leonard Cohen, from 'Book of Mercy'


When God closes one door, He opens another.

'During D&X (intact dilatation and extraction - late-term abortion), a fetus's legs and torso are pulled from the uterus before its skull is punctured. An estimated 2,200 to 5,000 such abortions are performed annually in the United States, out of 1.3 million total abortions.'

And that figure is only in the US alone. Imagine that.

The next time any of you irresponsible bastards even think about sending your girlfriends to the abortion clinic - just think about this.

Happily ever after? They split up after 43 years.
Conclusion: Men can't commit - even in plastic.

I'm in love with a dream I had as a kid
I wait up the street until you show
That dream it came true
But you never do
No you never did
As far as I know

- Paul Westerberg, 'As Far as I Know'

Tyler is one month old today. He's growing, and growing really well. It's amazing how quickly time goes by sometimes, like a gazelle that you cannot catch your breath. Having a baby is one of the greatest miracles ever. I wake up and thank God everyday for this. I know some days are gonna be bumpy and some days are gonna be filled be joy. Still, I am thankful for them all the same.

If there are things, causes that I'll keep on advocating - apart from parenting and pro-life related issues etc - it's religion and spirituality. I think it's important for one to have or be on a certain spiritual path. It affects the way you think, the choices you make, the way you live your life. It's not just a bandwagon. It's food for the soul.

This is it: "Refuse to Choose: Reclaiming Feminism" Sally Winn, VP, Feminist for Life speaks

Talk about fun video games: virtual knee surgery

Warning: Highly recommended for 'Giselle' wannabes.

They have all gone home. And all that is left is me and my shadows. There are voices in my head. They frightened me. But I'm stronger than that, and I know so. It's just the bloody hormones at work. ARGH.

Chad left for Beijing to attend to some business. But he promised to stop by before heading back to Minnesota. I can't wait to have him back. My mom and Fish will stay with us for a couple of days, and I am glad.

Happy birthday, Seamus. I lost track of how old you must be now, but you'll always be 25 to me. :)
Dude, you rocked my world.

I like this. All of this. Some days it feels like it's unreal, but it is. It really is. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't want to turn it around. I like being a mother. I like how it changes me, how it humble me. I never thought I could be like this.

And this is for all you advocaters of barf-day:

Political V-Day Hater

You're not necessarily anti-love or anti-relationship (although you PROBABLY are). You just hate the institution of Valentine's Day. And so you should! You also like to pull the heads off of Barbie and Ken and drown them in the swimming pool behind Barbie's beach house. Probably.

Not quite the role-model for young Tyler, eh?

Click here to take the damn quiz.

Now, this is a good start, isn't it?

While we're on the subject of pregnancies and (abortion), here's something for the soul: Silent Tears.

I'm off to meet some sponsors. I lost my way, but now everything has changed. Because of you, sweet Tyler. I'm a better person - because of you. I want to be a good mother, a good parent. And someday I want to hear you tell your friends: my daddy suck balls but my mommy - she rocks!

Tonight's episode of Boston Public sure brings back that 'nostalgic' feeling I had nine months ago.

At the obstetrician's - Marcie and whatever-his-name bastard ex-boyfriend:

be-b: I'm just a kid, I can't be a father

Now, where have I heard that before?

be-b: Please don't have the abortion. I can't live with that

What can I say? Even a sixteen-year-old knows that.

be-b: If you want to have this baby, I'll be there for you. I'll do whatever I can for you

That sounded SO bloody familiar, doesn't it? Hmph.

I think Ben Moody looks good with long hair (although that whole Abe Lincoln 'extended goatee' look just won't do..)

Now, how can Eminem NOT win 'Song of the Year' and 'Record of the Year'? Hmph.

It is fascinating to watch him. Babies navigate the world using their five senses. Their sensory explorations are constant, whether he's mesmerized by Uncle Chad's face or his brightly patterned 'Hawaiian shirt' (uh-uh, metaphor, dude. Chad wouldn't be caught dead in those - he's a monocolor person, just like me) or soothed by the smell of mommy's skin or his favorite sounds. He likes it when we hold him, cuddle him. I am told that touch has an amazing power to communicate love, soothe him and even boost his immunity. It is amazing indeed. The way he's learning to use his senses. And because his palate starts to develop in the womb, he was exposed to different flavors of mommy's 'unhealthy' diet, transmitted through the amniotic fluid and then through breast milk - which really means that it is only natural that he would tend to like the foods he was exposed to during pregnancy or nursing. Hmm. I think he's gonna have a sweet tooth, just like me.

Speaking of idols, I just realized that Sonny Kapu never made it to the top 32 (that rendition of Usher's 'Nice and Slow' - completely blew me away). Now, this REALLY stinks.

We spent Sunday morning basking in the sun. It was really nice - we had breakfast by the marina. I had reservations about taking Tyler out, but Kate assured me that babies have this immunity thingy, that it was perfectly safe, plus the sun would do him some good. Rob and Chad wants to go sailing, I thought it was way too warm and sunny for the baby. The boys are getting along really well, and I am glad. Tyler was red all over by the time we got home. He fell asleep soon after, with Smelly by his cot (for some reason Smelly now sleeps in the nursery with his new 'charge', it is endearing indeed).

His paternal grandmother is Val, not Kate. I wish it was Kate. I saw how she looked at him, the way she held him in her arms. It is sad that Val never knew him, how lovely he is. But it was different with Kate. She was only too glad to be a part of his life, like he was her own.

Abiit, excessit, evasit, erupit.

So much for freedom of choice. Have a look at the statistics.

I picked this story off Emily Peterson's. It ran in the student newspaper of the University of Wisconsin. Excerpts:

'"The talk of choice is a joke - women in crisis often feel that their only choice is an abortion," said panelist Mary Mead. "Women deserve better than abortion."

A lack of knowledge about the emotional, physical and spiritual consequences drove panelist Cassie Mott to seek help avaliable to those who have had abortions, yet many panelists were not able to fully cope until as many as 17 years later.

"I realized that it wasn't my insides being sucked out, but my baby," said one panelist who wished to remain anonymous."'

And this came from a 16-year-old Alecia Johnson:

"If you throw this bill out, you're saying that you condone murder," the teen told lawmakers. "Life is given from God," she continued. "A person is a person right from conception."

Gripping testimony also came from Lisa Arnold of Louisville, Ky., who said she was pressured as a teenager by family and friends to have an abortion. The experience was devastating, she said.

"I cleaned up all the blood that I could, and I flushed my twins down the toilet," Arnold said, "and I wonder how anyone can paint abortion as good for women."
Full article here


If you read the stories, you will cry. But if I could save two lives - give the child a chance to live AND spare the mother from eternal heartache - then I have done my part. As a mother and citizen of the world.

'She bangs, she bangs.. '

For AMI fans: A tribute to Hong Kong's Ricky Martin :)

Kay left, after a teary episode at the Departure Hall earlier today (that was way better than Days of Our Lives, by the way - I am such a drama queen. Ow!). I came back with a bag full of 'comfort food' from the chocolate shop to perk me up, and soon all is forgotten. Tyler was crying by the time I got home, it took a while before I could soothe him and put him to sleep.

I'm tired. Grr.

Poetry is.. the window to my soul. Each (poem) represent my state of mind, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. Sometimes I have so much in my head, so much I couldn't say.

If only you could see beyond my exterior and journey into my heart, my innermost thoughts.

This is a conversation I had with Seamus when I was about seven weeks pregnant. I was alone, and woozy and nauseous (my morning sickness was just horrendous with a capital H). If there is anyone who really knew what is going on in my head, it had to be Seamus. He said some things that I'll always remember:

Seamus: I think it's a choice for you: if you decide to keep the baby, then your commitment must be absolute
Me: I know what I should do in the beginning, until I saw it 10 days ago.. and again just now. Doctor scanned my tummy and I can see Tyler. He's so tiny.. 15.3mm by 13.9mm - hurdled quietly in his sac
Seamus: A boy? You know that?
Me: No, I don't know... figure of speech..
Seamus: I see. Listen, raising a child is not a hard thing to do, but you must be fully prepared to give up many freedoms for the child.. and to do this without holding the child accountable - they are innocent
Me: I know.. but I don't have a husband
Seamus: It doesn't matter
Me: And (insert adjective) is totally ignoring me right now..
Seamus: Forget the (insert adjective). Forget him.
Me: I don't even know how to tell my mom
Seamus: If you have the baby, you must promise it every single day that you will always be there for it, no matter what
Seamus: This is about you, and your baby at this point, no one else
Me: My only problem is my family.. they'll never accept this
Seamus: If you keep the baby, that should not matter
Me: Am I strong enough to do this?
Seamus: If you aren't, then you have to abort
Me: I just know I can't go through that procedure, knowing how I have to live with the thought that I kill my own child..
Seamus: If so, then you must commit yourself to the baby - come what may. Just think about this though, my kids were born under more convenient circumstances, but I swear to myself everyday that I will raise them, no matter what. They are mine, no one else's. Doesn't mean I wouldn't abort in your shoes, but if you do have it, you must give yourself completely
Me: That's coz you have a complete set
Seamus: No it doesn't, once they're born

And you're right. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how I conceived him, if my child has his father with him. It's been three weeks. I wake up everyday, glad that I did what I did. I have no regrets.

So last night's episode of CSI somewhat reinforced that whole thing I said about bad boys. They're like chocolate cake, like Jack Daniel's, really. You know they're bad for you but you just can't leave them alone. He was. The kind that you cannot get out of your system. (I'm not saying that you were irresistible, darling... just that I have a knack for bad things)

(Apologies to Daisies readers for the double posting)

February 4 is World Cancer Day. Today we remember and honor the ones we have lost. The ones who spend everyday battling the disease, and the ones who lost their lives.

I wrote this letter to journalist Chua Mui Hoong following her breast cancer article on March 9, 2003. Excerpts:

'When Gramps was first diagnosed with metastatic carcinoma (non-small cell) lung cancer in early January 2002, my whole world came tumbling down. The lack of understanding and knowledge of the disease made it really tough for the family and I. We don't know how to deal with it. I cried for months. There wasn't really anyone whom I could talk to, the only support group I know here will only take in patients. So I spent everyday looking for the answers. I made it my mission to educate my friends and loved ones, knowing that I could someday be battling the disease myself.

Gramps died in September last year. While he did not survived the disease, his legacy lives on. Cancer made me look back and re-evaluate my life. It has certainly made me look at life from a different perspective. It taught me how appreciate little things in life, things that I have once taken for granted.. taught me how to count my blessings. I'm glad I've made his journey home as painless as possible.'


Daffodils are one of my favorite flowers. They are also symbols of hope, renewal, and the promise that someday our world will be free of cancer. Send daffodils today and fight cancer.



For Gramps (1918-2002). In loving memory.

Maha. Thanks for the kid - I'm sure you do some good work, but.. I just don't care.


You are Kathleen Hanna! Poster child of the riot grrls, you've grown up a little in the last few years. You've brought rape, feminism, sexuality, and wymyn surviving hard shit into the mainstream through art, music, and spokenword. You're PUNKROCK! But, like, for real.


Which Western feminist icon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

So Tyler and I were back at the hospital again today to see the pediatrician. He asked a lot questions about Tyler's eating and sleeping habits, and bowel movements, ya-da ya-da ya-da. Checked his weight, length, alertness and other vital signs. Tyler is longer (or should I say 'taller'?), but down a couple of grams from his initial birth weight. Dr Lee said that this is normal, that he should regain (his birth weight) by this week and will gradually put on weight after this. Oh well, I'm sure he will at the rate I'm feeding him. Everything looks good - thank the gods. We met with Sister Bernadette and the other nuns, and I popped by Dr John's as well. I love the way the nurses looked at him (he's a charmer all right), Jenny said that he's gonna grow up and break some hearts. Hmph.

I dreamt that Tulip invited me to his wedding. Yikes.

I like waking up in the morning, and just smell him. He smells like vanilla and milk. Small bliss, that's what this is. It is a beautiful day. The birds are singing, the air smells like freshly-cut grass. I fight the urge to have ice cream for breakfast.

I spend the first twenty minutes in bed breathing in the warm air and the silence. It's been a while since I actually slept in my bed. Chad woke up in the wee hours and offered to put him to bed so that I could get some sleep after feeding him. I am glad. I am left alone, the way it should have been on a day like this. But it wasn't long before I heard his cries through the concrete walls that separate us that I knew there is going to be many more days before I could actually have a good sleep. Birth is not the end, it is the beginning. A beginning of a long and exciting journey.

Now tell me this is not disgusting.

"The connection to abortion was distant and remote enough so as to not encourage or contribute to abortion in any way," the university said.

FFS, so it's okay to use Tyler (had I been forced by circumstances to abort him nine months ago) for research?

I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about things. Tyler keeps waking up, crying, and I wanna cry too. Maybe I'm just over-reacting - I know how I get melodramatic in the wee hours... but dammit, I think I have every damn reason to be. I don't want them to leave, and I'm acting like a brat now, I know.

I place a finger in his tiny palm, feel him wrap his fingers around it.

Dammit, dammit, dammit. I can do this. I made this decision - because I can, because I know I can. Skrew everything else.